Migrated Article - Original Post Date December 6, 2021

Defining A Relationship

A relationship is a close connection between two people. Your relationship with your partner is a special bond between the two of you, usually involving romantic or sexual feelings. It is important to define what an intimate relationship looks like. First, we need to understand that intimacy means a lot more than just a sexual connection. Intimacy is about sharing our deepest feelings, secrets, and intimate details of our lives.

In an intimate relationship, fostering healthy communication is key. When in a close relationship with someone, there is bound to be conflict. The trick to managing that conflict is having open communication and to control our responses and reactions to what we may perceive as negative communication. This is called self-control and the goal here is to remain graceful, listening to understand not just to respond.

Anger is a normal emotion that everyone feels at some point. Also, you need to remember that you love that person and you want to understand why they might be angry with you. It may be a misunderstanding or lack of communication. You should respond in a way that directs the conversation toward positive discussion and not fuel the argument by being overly defensive.


Seeking Advice from Others

There may be times you feel you need advice from others for a problem in your relationship. This is sometimes necessary, but it is important to proceed with caution and take any advice (solicited or unsolicited) with a grain of salt. Sometimes, other people may stick their nose where it doesn’t belong and give their advice, even when you didn’t ask for it. Take what you believe is good advice and apply it, but be wary of what feels like bad advice. This is your relationship and no one knows the inner workings of that relationship better than you and your partner. Trust your instincts when listening to someone else’s advice. Don’t just jump on the bandwagon of slandering your partner because someone is willing to listen and agree with you on whatever you say about them.

A relationship is between two people. However, if you need another perspective, seek someone you trust to be impartial to give you solid advice or even a professional relationship counselor or coach. Your best friend may not be the best person for advice unless they are the type of person who knows how to remain impartial even though you are their BFF.

While it can temporarily feel good to have someone back us up on whatever we are feeling in the moment, once things calm down our feelings may change. Sometimes the best person we need at this moment is someone who will talk us down when we are angry because our partner got angry at us, or we got angry at our partner. I’m speaking from personal experience.


Defusing an Argument

My ex-husband and I haven’t always communicated well, and it’s a big part of why we aren’t married anymore. I have discovered that keeping the conversation on point to discuss the matter at hand (the children we have together) makes a big difference in how we deal with each other. We also communicate through text a lot, and tone of voice can easily get mistranslated when reading a text message.

The trick to text communication is not to assume an angry tone. If the text comes through in a way that we decide it is an angry tone (all caps and exclamation points, rude words, name-calling, etc) then the trick is to control your reaction. We can only control ourselves, not others. By remaining calm and even-toned, therefore not feeding the argument because the other person is angry at that moment, you neutralize and defuse the argument. If you don’t argue back, the other party is stuck arguing with themselves.


Return to Love

Once you defuse the argument, return to love. Remember that you are in a relationship because you love each other and are committed to one another. If you are dealing with an ex-partner, remember that you loved each other romantically once, and choose to love them in a Godly kind of love. Once heightened emotions have had a chance to settle down, you should try to have a mutual, loving, and calm conversation about what happened. You may need to walk away from each other for a brief time to regain control of your emotions. But the trick is to resolve your anger and deal with the issue that has come up.

If there’s a misunderstanding, talk about it and clear it up. A large percentage of arguments start because of miscommunication or misunderstanding. But trying to clear that misunderstanding up while the other person is still angry may not be the best time to talk about it. Emotions are a powerful thing, and they can take us over. Some people need more time than others to return to a normal emotional state. That is what it means to be human.

A relationship lasts when we are willing and able to return to love. Love is more than just a feeling of happiness and butterflies all the time. It is a deep affection that will not break just because there’s a disagreement. Remember that your partner is an individual and you will have your differences. Being able to shift your perspective and stand in their shoes for a moment can help you understand their side of things. Find out what made them angry, and then stand in their place. If you were in their shoes, would it make you upset or angry?

If the answer is yes, then step back and think about how you would want the other person to respond and react if you were upset. Remember that honesty in every relationship is important. Remaining honest about your feelings and circumstances in your relationship can go a long way, but this does take two people to make it work.


Actions Speak Louder than Words

Words are just lip service if our actions don’t match. If you promise to do something, you should do it. If you have done something that legitimately upset your partner, and you say you will change it, then take actionable steps to change the behavior. If you aren’t sure if you can change it, then don’t say you will. Say that you will try, and it will take some time and effort on your part.

But a true apology is changed actions, not just words.